As my father’s life nears it’s end, I’ve been reminded once again of how not to be as a human. To use the phrase that is heard so often, his life is an epic fail. Fortunately, my siblings and I have managed to take it and turn it into an example of how not to live as a spouse, a parent and overall as humans.
I’ve tried over the years to understand how a person could be so singularly cruel and unhappy. What caused him to be like that? I’ve come to the realization that I may never know that answer and quite honestly it isn’t important anymore. It doesn’t change the fact that even as he nears the end, he continues to display such horrendously hurtful behavior that it causes me to question how one survives in life like that? Are they driven by bitterness and the need to share that with everyone that surrounds them? Are they so desperately unhappy with their own being that they have to make others feel smaller to make themselves feel better?
The plain and simple truth of it is this. My father is and always has been a bully & a verbally, physically and emotionally abusive person. There are no excuses for his behavior, no reasoning to why he acts that way. It just is a fact. A fact that as an adult I’ve had to realize. His behavior isn’t about me, it isn’t about my siblings or our mom. It is solely about him.
I did not fail him as a child. Nothing I did was deserving of the cruel words or physical abuse he so easily gave out. It has, however, robbed me of a dad. For that, I mourn. I do not mourn his death, I mourn his life. I mourn that he was never able to see what a gift he had in his children, what a joy his grandchildren & great-grandchildren are. I mourn the fact that he has no concept of what love is, what peace is, what joy is.
His death does not make me sad, his life does. A life he chose to waste in anger, in hate, in cruelty. As I look back, my only regret is that I did not have a true parent. His cruelty and callous behavior robbed me of not only one parent, but of my other parent also.
I hope he finds peace in his death because sadly, that is what it will bring here on this earth when he’s gone. Be mindful of the words you say, the actions you display; don’t be a perpetrator of a generation of fear and sadness. Use your words and actions to uplift, to love and to be happy.